Ruby Lewis - Profile Summary on BrightFuse - A Talent Community
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Friday, August 21, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
It's A Hard Knock Life...
Thursday, August 20, 2009~8:12am
I am living in Washington state now...away from the father but not the drama. I am paying $250 for rent in a transitional house. I have my own room, but I share the television room, the bathroom (I share this one with one other person), the kitchen, the playroom, the computer room, a refrigerator (without a freezer...I share this one with five different people), and a freezer with almost 13 other people. There are some females who have kids in here, but there are a couple who do not. The are not allowed to be any males over the age of 14 here (due to Domestic Violence Issues...although this is not a domestic violence shelter), so most of the boys that are here are under that age.
I am six months pregnant now. It is a girl and she is due between December 4-5, 2005. I will also be 27 on Tuesday, September 15, 2009. What am I doing for my birthday? At this point, probably nothing. I have to go in for a doctor's appointment on September 16th and I have my glucose testing done that week, so I may be going on my 12 hour fast (that has to be done prior to the glucose testing; nothing to eat or drink for 12 hours, except water and ice). On the plus side, I had my baby shower on Saturday, August 15, 2009. It was from 12pm to 5pm and it was really fun.
So I have been struggling with a lot of lonliness. I mean it's not that I need a good man or friends, but it would just be nice to have them. Again, sex has been around my life since before I was six and I find it hard to find a man that doesn't just want me the "sex" only. I find that most women, particularly black women in general, can be bitter, not because they want to, but because "LIFE" has made them that way. If you are a woman who has been abused as a child, had domestic violence in your life, been raped, seen someone you loved murdered, grew up with a father who did not love you or just was not there, used for sex all of your life, or anything else that is like this or fits some of these categories. Then you try to meet a good man only to find out that he just wanted to abuse you, or use you as his sex toy. You end that relationship, but for some strange reason you keep meeting that same "type" of guy all over again. They tell you everything you want to hear in the beginning, but about a few months later, things are not as rosey and pretty and romantic as they seemed to be in the very beginning. Women become hard and stronger and yes of course, even bitter. It is hard to continue to dream about finding love and being happy when you keep traveling head on into situations like these and have to constantly find a way to get out of them. You develop an attitude that says, "I am woman, hear me roar". Why continue to trust men, when they seem to always let you down. Is it so much for women to ask to just have a man who is sincere, loyal, honest, friendly, respectful, considerate, and an "old fashioned" gentleman??? However, most people who suggest that I have just described "man's best friend", not a man.
I just don't understand WHY men and women even go together in the first place...I mean other than the fact that GOD "told" them to be together. Most men cannot stand watching the same things as women, they do not like doing the same things, and it just seems like we have nothing in common. So what is the point? I watch and listen to Bishop T.D. Jakes, CNN's Black In America, and other pastors discuss some of these issues and hear the ways they describe the problems of today...
Some of the things that I have heard are: women do not need men anymore, men just do not care as much as they used to, black women are too bitter, men are like "hot pockets" (ready in an instant) while women are like "a full course meal" (in reference to sex and relationships), and many more. It is amazing to me that not many people anymore are getting married or staying together as long and the elevation of divorces that refuses to de-escalate.
As a woman, it becomes frustrating to see that men would rather sleep around than settle down with only one woman. One man even stated that he didn't want to die without saying that he died without enough sex. I find it is also frustrating that men also discriminate against the movie, "Waiting To Exhale". Yes, there were a lot of stereostypes in there, but there was a "good" man in there as well. In my opinion, the only way most men hated that movie is because it brought a lot of things that men were doing into the light...BUT you know us women, men still think we should be seen and not heard. Women are not allowed to voice their opinions to men because once the do, they are considered "bitter black women" or "too opinionated" or just "too controlling". Again, I ask the question, is it so much to ask for women to just have a man who is sincere, loyal, honest, friendly, respectful, considerate, and an "old fashioned" gentleman???
So besides loneliness, I have also been struggling with the fact that my rent (which is now $250) will increase to $375 on January 1, 2009. I am also paying for my storage unit which is $60/month. The only income I currently have right now is TANF which is $359/month and will only increase on January 1, 2009 to $429/month. So now I have to try and find a really clean, good, and safe roommate who will let me stay with them, "all bills paid" for about $250 per month starting January 1, 2009 and who is willing to accept a newborn into their home. I had a good job until they started laying everyone off. I was working in a call center doing stuff for TSA...except my employer was a contractor for TSA, so I was getting paychecks from TSA theirself, but by their contractor. I would've been getting paid maternity leave once my baby was born. I was making $10.29/hour and I had really good medical and benefits and everything.
It's just interesting how this recession as transformed the face of America. The rich stay rich, the wealthy get poor, and the poor...well you know what I mean. Making $10.29 per hour, believe it or not, was still not good enough. I was still considered poor. I was living in Dallas, TX at the time and it wasn't the amount of money, but the AMOUNT of taxes being taken out of my paycheck that killed me. I was making about $900 per paycheck, but by the time I saw my paycheck...minus taxes, medical, FICA, medicare, pension, etc...I only received about $500. That had to go for my storage unit, rent, food, electricity, and water...for an apartment no less.
I had started out renting a room with a woman who I was paying $400 per month, but would not give me a key to the apartment. She also stated that the "way I looked" when I went to work embarrased her (see, she referred me to the TSA job). So she stated that I had to buy a new wardrobe that she and her sister picked out or I could go back to being homeless and on the streets. The whole thing was a mess. I ended up moving into Budget Suites and kept my job, but I was paying about $430 every two weeks for rent there. When I finally did move into my own apartment, I had to put out $900 just for the move in costs ($300 for electricity deposit, $300 move-in fees, and $300 for Budget Suites because the apartment complex made a mistake and messed up my move-in date...I was pissed). What's even worse, in order to pay my rent for the last month I was there, I had to take out a payday loan in which I still have not paid back yet.
In order to sum this up, I really do want to get married, I want to be in love, and I want to have more kids...I just do not want to be emotionally, physically, sexually, or even spiritually abused when I get there. If a woman feels bad all the time or feels she needs to be strong and fight back in any way when she is in a relationship, then that is not the relationship she needs to be in. If she feels like her boyfriend or husband does not love her because he is sleeping with like 5 other woman, then that too is not the relationship she needs to be in. Guys, if you have to sleep around, the just let the "good" women go. Obviously, you do not love us anyway...you know what they say, "When a woman is fed up" and "A woman scorned..." and we already have a television show called snapped. I am not saying it is right, but I am saying that you can only push a woman so far before she just SNAPS. We are not faucets, you can not just turn on and off our emotions, feelings, and desires when you feel like it.
WOMEN...I am bisexual for a reason. I like women, not studs, butches, and transvesdikes. I dream about the white picket fence and the "ideal" Christian marriage to a man and everything, but WOMEN just treat me better. Women are more compassionate, loving, caring, and romantic. A woman and I have a lot of things in common. We can just chill and have fun together without her thinking about sleeping with me every five minutes. She and I can get all dressed up and go out on the town together, while later coming home and sleeping with each other and sex does not have to be involved. Do not get me wrong, we can have sex, but it is not the primary focus of a relationship as it is with men. A woman knows how to touch me and vice versa. I am a girly girl and it is nice to be with someone who is also one as well. I can communicate, talk, and relate to a woman. We like some of the same shows and can openly discuss aspects of it. We do our nails, hair, and makeup together. Women are just fun to be around. Yes, we have our differences, but we can discuss them and our emotional side isn't laughed at, it is understood. We can have romantic dinners together, and even sometimes make those dinners together and still keep the kitchen in immaculacte condition.
However, I have not given up hope that there is a great guy somewhere out there who wants me and everything inside of me and not just my body...BUT that is just a fairy tale...and we all know that fairy tales are just for kids and all of these things will still be mysteries to my HARD KNOCK LIFE.
I am living in Washington state now...away from the father but not the drama. I am paying $250 for rent in a transitional house. I have my own room, but I share the television room, the bathroom (I share this one with one other person), the kitchen, the playroom, the computer room, a refrigerator (without a freezer...I share this one with five different people), and a freezer with almost 13 other people. There are some females who have kids in here, but there are a couple who do not. The are not allowed to be any males over the age of 14 here (due to Domestic Violence Issues...although this is not a domestic violence shelter), so most of the boys that are here are under that age.
I am six months pregnant now. It is a girl and she is due between December 4-5, 2005. I will also be 27 on Tuesday, September 15, 2009. What am I doing for my birthday? At this point, probably nothing. I have to go in for a doctor's appointment on September 16th and I have my glucose testing done that week, so I may be going on my 12 hour fast (that has to be done prior to the glucose testing; nothing to eat or drink for 12 hours, except water and ice). On the plus side, I had my baby shower on Saturday, August 15, 2009. It was from 12pm to 5pm and it was really fun.
So I have been struggling with a lot of lonliness. I mean it's not that I need a good man or friends, but it would just be nice to have them. Again, sex has been around my life since before I was six and I find it hard to find a man that doesn't just want me the "sex" only. I find that most women, particularly black women in general, can be bitter, not because they want to, but because "LIFE" has made them that way. If you are a woman who has been abused as a child, had domestic violence in your life, been raped, seen someone you loved murdered, grew up with a father who did not love you or just was not there, used for sex all of your life, or anything else that is like this or fits some of these categories. Then you try to meet a good man only to find out that he just wanted to abuse you, or use you as his sex toy. You end that relationship, but for some strange reason you keep meeting that same "type" of guy all over again. They tell you everything you want to hear in the beginning, but about a few months later, things are not as rosey and pretty and romantic as they seemed to be in the very beginning. Women become hard and stronger and yes of course, even bitter. It is hard to continue to dream about finding love and being happy when you keep traveling head on into situations like these and have to constantly find a way to get out of them. You develop an attitude that says, "I am woman, hear me roar". Why continue to trust men, when they seem to always let you down. Is it so much for women to ask to just have a man who is sincere, loyal, honest, friendly, respectful, considerate, and an "old fashioned" gentleman??? However, most people who suggest that I have just described "man's best friend", not a man.
I just don't understand WHY men and women even go together in the first place...I mean other than the fact that GOD "told" them to be together. Most men cannot stand watching the same things as women, they do not like doing the same things, and it just seems like we have nothing in common. So what is the point? I watch and listen to Bishop T.D. Jakes, CNN's Black In America, and other pastors discuss some of these issues and hear the ways they describe the problems of today...
Some of the things that I have heard are: women do not need men anymore, men just do not care as much as they used to, black women are too bitter, men are like "hot pockets" (ready in an instant) while women are like "a full course meal" (in reference to sex and relationships), and many more. It is amazing to me that not many people anymore are getting married or staying together as long and the elevation of divorces that refuses to de-escalate.
As a woman, it becomes frustrating to see that men would rather sleep around than settle down with only one woman. One man even stated that he didn't want to die without saying that he died without enough sex. I find it is also frustrating that men also discriminate against the movie, "Waiting To Exhale". Yes, there were a lot of stereostypes in there, but there was a "good" man in there as well. In my opinion, the only way most men hated that movie is because it brought a lot of things that men were doing into the light...BUT you know us women, men still think we should be seen and not heard. Women are not allowed to voice their opinions to men because once the do, they are considered "bitter black women" or "too opinionated" or just "too controlling". Again, I ask the question, is it so much to ask for women to just have a man who is sincere, loyal, honest, friendly, respectful, considerate, and an "old fashioned" gentleman???
So besides loneliness, I have also been struggling with the fact that my rent (which is now $250) will increase to $375 on January 1, 2009. I am also paying for my storage unit which is $60/month. The only income I currently have right now is TANF which is $359/month and will only increase on January 1, 2009 to $429/month. So now I have to try and find a really clean, good, and safe roommate who will let me stay with them, "all bills paid" for about $250 per month starting January 1, 2009 and who is willing to accept a newborn into their home. I had a good job until they started laying everyone off. I was working in a call center doing stuff for TSA...except my employer was a contractor for TSA, so I was getting paychecks from TSA theirself, but by their contractor. I would've been getting paid maternity leave once my baby was born. I was making $10.29/hour and I had really good medical and benefits and everything.
It's just interesting how this recession as transformed the face of America. The rich stay rich, the wealthy get poor, and the poor...well you know what I mean. Making $10.29 per hour, believe it or not, was still not good enough. I was still considered poor. I was living in Dallas, TX at the time and it wasn't the amount of money, but the AMOUNT of taxes being taken out of my paycheck that killed me. I was making about $900 per paycheck, but by the time I saw my paycheck...minus taxes, medical, FICA, medicare, pension, etc...I only received about $500. That had to go for my storage unit, rent, food, electricity, and water...for an apartment no less.
I had started out renting a room with a woman who I was paying $400 per month, but would not give me a key to the apartment. She also stated that the "way I looked" when I went to work embarrased her (see, she referred me to the TSA job). So she stated that I had to buy a new wardrobe that she and her sister picked out or I could go back to being homeless and on the streets. The whole thing was a mess. I ended up moving into Budget Suites and kept my job, but I was paying about $430 every two weeks for rent there. When I finally did move into my own apartment, I had to put out $900 just for the move in costs ($300 for electricity deposit, $300 move-in fees, and $300 for Budget Suites because the apartment complex made a mistake and messed up my move-in date...I was pissed). What's even worse, in order to pay my rent for the last month I was there, I had to take out a payday loan in which I still have not paid back yet.
In order to sum this up, I really do want to get married, I want to be in love, and I want to have more kids...I just do not want to be emotionally, physically, sexually, or even spiritually abused when I get there. If a woman feels bad all the time or feels she needs to be strong and fight back in any way when she is in a relationship, then that is not the relationship she needs to be in. If she feels like her boyfriend or husband does not love her because he is sleeping with like 5 other woman, then that too is not the relationship she needs to be in. Guys, if you have to sleep around, the just let the "good" women go. Obviously, you do not love us anyway...you know what they say, "When a woman is fed up" and "A woman scorned..." and we already have a television show called snapped. I am not saying it is right, but I am saying that you can only push a woman so far before she just SNAPS. We are not faucets, you can not just turn on and off our emotions, feelings, and desires when you feel like it.
WOMEN...I am bisexual for a reason. I like women, not studs, butches, and transvesdikes. I dream about the white picket fence and the "ideal" Christian marriage to a man and everything, but WOMEN just treat me better. Women are more compassionate, loving, caring, and romantic. A woman and I have a lot of things in common. We can just chill and have fun together without her thinking about sleeping with me every five minutes. She and I can get all dressed up and go out on the town together, while later coming home and sleeping with each other and sex does not have to be involved. Do not get me wrong, we can have sex, but it is not the primary focus of a relationship as it is with men. A woman knows how to touch me and vice versa. I am a girly girl and it is nice to be with someone who is also one as well. I can communicate, talk, and relate to a woman. We like some of the same shows and can openly discuss aspects of it. We do our nails, hair, and makeup together. Women are just fun to be around. Yes, we have our differences, but we can discuss them and our emotional side isn't laughed at, it is understood. We can have romantic dinners together, and even sometimes make those dinners together and still keep the kitchen in immaculacte condition.
However, I have not given up hope that there is a great guy somewhere out there who wants me and everything inside of me and not just my body...BUT that is just a fairy tale...and we all know that fairy tales are just for kids and all of these things will still be mysteries to my HARD KNOCK LIFE.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
A Blessing From God At The Wrong Time
So I started seeing this guy. He was sweet, kind, caring, and respected me at the time. He touched me right emotionally and physically. I had made a pact however that I was not going to sleep with him. I told him straight that he should not expect anything from me because our relationship was not going to get physical. Then one day he asked if he could come over to my place and chill. I lived in Budget Suites in Addison at that time, so I figured why not. He came over way too late and claimed he could not go home because he rides the bus. He stated that he called his sister to come and pick him up, but that he got not answer. I had to go to work early in the morning and I told him that he would have to leave at that time. So he stayed the night. He smoked a cigarette in my bathroom. Cigarette smoke gives me a headache for one and two, no one is supposed to smoke in the rooms at all. He apologized and stated that it would never happen again. Then that night he stated that he was going out and wanted the key to my room. It was about 11pm and so I said ok. He said that he would be back in a couple of hours. At about 12am, 2am, and 3am, I woke up only to find that he had not come back yet. I had to get up at 4am to get ready for work. I heard him come in after that, but was too tired to look at my clock. He was supposed to sleep on the couch, but I was so extremely tired that he crawled in my bed and he raped me.....although I don't remember much. I felt empty, weird, and awkward...the same way I usually feel when something like this happens. I was upset at myself for letting it happen, but I did not let that show. I woke up at 4:30am with a huge migraine only to find out that my entire room smelled like weed (marijuana). I was pissed. He tried brushing it off stating things like, "it's just a little weed", "I'm black", and "you're trippin". I told him that I wanted him to leave but he refused stating that I needed to call his sister to come and pick him up. I told him to get up, use the phone, and call her himself. He still refused. I told him that either he can leave hisself or I can call someone to help him leave. He obviously thought that I was joking because he kept stating that I was "trippin" over a little piece of bud and some sex. It was not just any bud and a little sex...he had raped me and I had to go to work with a migraine headache and look at a computer for eight hours straight and he could care less and would not take responsibility for what he did. Not only did he smoke weed in my suite, rape me in my bed, but now I also had a huge migraine. I called the cops and had him removed from my suite.
Then about two weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant. I decided to call him and let him know. We tried to get together to discuss the future of this child and he stated that he was not going to smoke in my place anymore or anywhere around me. I am about three weeks now and have been trying to get him to sit down with me and discuss the future of this child. He keeps asking me for money so he can turn it around into an "empire". He is talking about selling drugs. I am so not into that. I have to pay bills and some more and he keeps saying that he will give the money right back to me in an hour. I told him today and yesterday that I didn't have any money. He called a guy today and told some man that he had fifty dollars and that he wanted the drugs. The guy was on his way and he asked me to give him the fifty dollars. I reminded him that I didn't have fifty dollars. He then stated that we can go to the bank and that a ride was coming to take us there. I told him that I was not going anywhere. Instead of accepting that he decided to try and help me put on my clothes in order to go to the bank. I called my mom and started discussing the situation right there in front of him. He asked me for the key to the hotel and I refused to give that to him. He took my cell phone and left. Trusting men to be "good" men these days is hard. The men are the ones who complain that we can't hold against them what everyone else has done to us, but the problem comes in when the same men who say that are the same ones who are up to no good. This guy scares me, he freaks me out, and yes, I should have never let him in my hotel room. He states that this child is going to be a gangster because it runs in his genes. His father apparently is Jamaican and was highly into the mafia. The way he tells it, his father trusted the wrong people and was put into jail. The baby, a blessing, the man, not so much, and then it comes to my decision, the baby or the man and the baby. Abortion for me is not an option. He stated that his family has lots of money and that if I ever tried to run that money over tops everything else. I choose life, my blessing, and my baby.
Then about two weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant. I decided to call him and let him know. We tried to get together to discuss the future of this child and he stated that he was not going to smoke in my place anymore or anywhere around me. I am about three weeks now and have been trying to get him to sit down with me and discuss the future of this child. He keeps asking me for money so he can turn it around into an "empire". He is talking about selling drugs. I am so not into that. I have to pay bills and some more and he keeps saying that he will give the money right back to me in an hour. I told him today and yesterday that I didn't have any money. He called a guy today and told some man that he had fifty dollars and that he wanted the drugs. The guy was on his way and he asked me to give him the fifty dollars. I reminded him that I didn't have fifty dollars. He then stated that we can go to the bank and that a ride was coming to take us there. I told him that I was not going anywhere. Instead of accepting that he decided to try and help me put on my clothes in order to go to the bank. I called my mom and started discussing the situation right there in front of him. He asked me for the key to the hotel and I refused to give that to him. He took my cell phone and left. Trusting men to be "good" men these days is hard. The men are the ones who complain that we can't hold against them what everyone else has done to us, but the problem comes in when the same men who say that are the same ones who are up to no good. This guy scares me, he freaks me out, and yes, I should have never let him in my hotel room. He states that this child is going to be a gangster because it runs in his genes. His father apparently is Jamaican and was highly into the mafia. The way he tells it, his father trusted the wrong people and was put into jail. The baby, a blessing, the man, not so much, and then it comes to my decision, the baby or the man and the baby. Abortion for me is not an option. He stated that his family has lots of money and that if I ever tried to run that money over tops everything else. I choose life, my blessing, and my baby.
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