Here is a news flash ladies, relationships suck unless you find that one person who is just like you and who is mature enough to be on your level. This guy I met on eharmony, who was matched with me 85%, worms his way into my life, my family, my daughter's heart. He talks a lot about how he wants to get married to me and moving in together in our own apartment. He keeps talking about all of this with me, my daughter, my mother, Marcella Leonard, my aunt, ZoeZita Holifield, and some of the rest of my family, and then after telling my daughter that she can call him "Daddy" for about two months, he breaks up with me in an e-mail sent by his cell phone, but because I only got the first line, he then sends the text-email in a dang on text message. What kind of mature responsible man does this? He is the one who wanted to be exclusive. He is the one who told my mother that he definitely wasn't going anywhere....when my mom grilled him about her grandbaby calling him, "Daddy".... ....and that was quite a while ago. Then this past Saturday, my daughter and I get sick and were on bedrest for the whole day ...  and he sends me a "break up" message via text. Then he has the audacity to say, "He still wants to be friends and keep in contact with my daughter, myself, and my family". He also changed his relationship status on Facebook. This is so petty and so immature. I am too grown for this drama in my life right now and too much of a business woman. Well just another story in my blog entitled, "Looking 4 Love N All The Wrong Places"....hit me up with your comments on my blog: http://looking4lovenallthewrongplaces.blogspot.com/
....'cause you definitely know this will be on there.

BREAKUP LETTER:
Sorry to email, but I had to get my thoughts and feelings out. I know this is sudden and confusing but the loss that I have in me from losing my children is effecting me more than I thought it ever could/would. Instead of focusing on [his kid #1] & [his kid #2] more, I tried to fill my heart with you and [my daughter] and your family.
I don't know if I can be everything you want me to be Ruby.
I can't overlook my children as I have been doing and the reality is that I don't know if I can be all that I need to be for you and [my daughter].
My heart stopped hurting for a short time, but started to hurt again a few weeks ago. I look at the bigger picture, and the truth of everything hits me like I've failed.
I feel like I'm not what you need. I desperately don't want to disappoint you or your family, but I don't know if I can be the father to [his kid #1] & [his kid #2], that I need to be, while I attempt to balance around everything else...
I may just need to be alone too, idk.
Please don't hate me for dumping out my heart like this and know that i want to always keep contact with you and your family Ruby. Like you said, we'll always love each other and we will never forget it.
Sincerely, Zackery T Led.

MY RESPONSE:
I understand. Thank you Zackery for being honest. Good luck with your children. I will keep you in my prayers.

Well, I guess this is just another way to "Look 4 Love N All The Wrong Places". Some day I will be married, but TODAY is not that day!

It's A Hard Knock Life...

Thursday, August 20, 2009~8:12am



I am living in Washington state now...away from the father but not the drama. I am paying $250 for rent in a transitional house. I have my own room, but I share the television room, the bathroom (I share this one with one other person), the kitchen, the playroom, the computer room, a refrigerator (without a freezer...I share this one with five different people), and a freezer with almost 13 other people. There are some females who have kids in here, but there are a couple who do not. The are not allowed to be any males over the age of 14 here (due to Domestic Violence Issues...although this is not a domestic violence shelter), so most of the boys that are here are under that age.

I am six months pregnant now. It is a girl and she is due between December 4-5, 2005. I will also be 27 on Tuesday, September 15, 2009. What am I doing for my birthday? At this point, probably nothing. I have to go in for a doctor's appointment on September 16th and I have my glucose testing done that week, so I may be going on my 12 hour fast (that has to be done prior to the glucose testing; nothing to eat or drink for 12 hours, except water and ice). On the plus side, I had my baby shower on Saturday, August 15, 2009. It was from 12pm to 5pm and it was really fun.

So I have been struggling with a lot of lonliness. I mean it's not that I need a good man or friends, but it would just be nice to have them. Again, sex has been around my life since before I was six and I find it hard to find a man that doesn't just want me the "sex" only. I find that most women, particularly black women in general, can be bitter, not because they want to, but because "LIFE" has made them that way. If you are a woman who has been abused as a child, had domestic violence in your life, been raped, seen someone you loved murdered, grew up with a father who did not love you or just was not there, used for sex all of your life, or anything else that is like this or fits some of these categories. Then you try to meet a good man only to find out that he just wanted to abuse you, or use you as his sex toy. You end that relationship, but for some strange reason you keep meeting that same "type" of guy all over again. They tell you everything you want to hear in the beginning, but about a few months later, things are not as rosey and pretty and romantic as they seemed to be in the very beginning. Women become hard and stronger and yes of course, even bitter. It is hard to continue to dream about finding love and being happy when you keep traveling head on into situations like these and have to constantly find a way to get out of them. You develop an attitude that says, "I am woman, hear me roar". Why continue to trust men, when they seem to always let you down. Is it so much for women to ask to just have a man who is sincere, loyal, honest, friendly, respectful, considerate, and an "old fashioned" gentleman??? However, most people who suggest that I have just described "man's best friend", not a man.

I just don't understand WHY men and women even go together in the first place...I mean other than the fact that GOD "told" them to be together. Most men cannot stand watching the same things as women, they do not like doing the same things, and it just seems like we have nothing in common. So what is the point? I watch and listen to Bishop T.D. Jakes, CNN's Black In America, and other pastors discuss some of these issues and hear the ways they describe the problems of today...

Some of the things that I have heard are: women do not need men anymore, men just do not care as much as they used to, black women are too bitter, men are like "hot pockets" (ready in an instant) while women are like "a full course meal" (in reference to sex and relationships), and many more. It is amazing to me that not many people anymore are getting married or staying together as long and the elevation of divorces that refuses to de-escalate.

As a woman, it becomes frustrating to see that men would rather sleep around than settle down with only one woman. One man even stated that he didn't want to die without saying that he died without enough sex. I find it is also frustrating that men also discriminate against the movie, "Waiting To Exhale". Yes, there were a lot of stereostypes in there, but there was a "good" man in there as well. In my opinion, the only way most men hated that movie is because it brought a lot of things that men were doing into the light...BUT you know us women, men still think we should be seen and not heard. Women are not allowed to voice their opinions to men because once the do, they are considered "bitter black women" or "too opinionated" or just "too controlling". Again, I ask the question, is it so much to ask for women to just have a man who is sincere, loyal, honest, friendly, respectful, considerate, and an "old fashioned" gentleman???

So besides loneliness, I have also been struggling with the fact that my rent (which is now $250) will increase to $375 on January 1, 2009. I am also paying for my storage unit which is $60/month. The only income I currently have right now is TANF which is $359/month and will only increase on January 1, 2009 to $429/month. So now I have to try and find a really clean, good, and safe roommate who will let me stay with them, "all bills paid" for about $250 per month starting January 1, 2009 and who is willing to accept a newborn into their home. I had a good job until they started laying everyone off. I was working in a call center doing stuff for TSA...except my employer was a contractor for TSA, so I was getting paychecks from TSA theirself, but by their contractor. I would've been getting paid maternity leave once my baby was born. I was making $10.29/hour and I had really good medical and benefits and everything.

It's just interesting how this recession as transformed the face of America. The rich stay rich, the wealthy get poor, and the poor...well you know what I mean. Making $10.29 per hour, believe it or not, was still not good enough. I was still considered poor. I was living in Dallas, TX at the time and it wasn't the amount of money, but the AMOUNT of taxes being taken out of my paycheck that killed me. I was making about $900 per paycheck, but by the time I saw my paycheck...minus taxes, medical, FICA, medicare, pension, etc...I only received about $500. That had to go for my storage unit, rent, food, electricity, and water...for an apartment no less.

I had started out renting a room with a woman who I was paying $400 per month, but would not give me a key to the apartment. She also stated that the "way I looked" when I went to work embarrased her (see, she referred me to the TSA job). So she stated that I had to buy a new wardrobe that she and her sister picked out or I could go back to being homeless and on the streets. The whole thing was a mess. I ended up moving into Budget Suites and kept my job, but I was paying about $430 every two weeks for rent there. When I finally did move into my own apartment, I had to put out $900 just for the move in costs ($300 for electricity deposit, $300 move-in fees, and $300 for Budget Suites because the apartment complex made a mistake and messed up my move-in date...I was pissed). What's even worse, in order to pay my rent for the last month I was there, I had to take out a payday loan in which I still have not paid back yet.

In order to sum this up, I really do want to get married, I want to be in love, and I want to have more kids...I just do not want to be emotionally, physically, sexually, or even spiritually abused when I get there. If a woman feels bad all the time or feels she needs to be strong and fight back in any way when she is in a relationship, then that is not the relationship she needs to be in. If she feels like her boyfriend or husband does not love her because he is sleeping with like 5 other woman, then that too is not the relationship she needs to be in. Guys, if you have to sleep around, the just let the "good" women go. Obviously, you do not love us anyway...you know what they say, "When a woman is fed up" and "A woman scorned..." and we already have a television show called snapped. I am not saying it is right, but I am saying that you can only push a woman so far before she just SNAPS. We are not faucets, you can not just turn on and off our emotions, feelings, and desires when you feel like it.


WOMEN...I am bisexual for a reason. I like women, not studs, butches, and transvesdikes. I dream about the white picket fence and the "ideal" Christian marriage to a man and everything, but WOMEN just treat me better. Women are more compassionate, loving, caring, and romantic. A woman and I have a lot of things in common. We can just chill and have fun together without her thinking about sleeping with me every five minutes. She and I can get all dressed up and go out on the town together, while later coming home and sleeping with each other and sex does not have to be involved. Do not get me wrong, we can have sex, but it is not the primary focus of a relationship as it is with men. A woman knows how to touch me and vice versa. I am a girly girl and it is nice to be with someone who is also one as well. I can communicate, talk, and relate to a woman. We like some of the same shows and can openly discuss aspects of it. We do our nails, hair, and makeup together. Women are just fun to be around. Yes, we have our differences, but we can discuss them and our emotional side isn't laughed at, it is understood. We can have romantic dinners together, and even sometimes make those dinners together and still keep the kitchen in immaculacte condition.

However, I have not given up hope that there is a great guy somewhere out there who wants me and everything inside of me and not just my body...BUT that is just a fairy tale...and we all know that fairy tales are just for kids and all of these things will still be mysteries to my HARD KNOCK LIFE.